This is something I hear a lot in therapy.
People don’t usually say it exactly like that at first. It comes out more like:
“I always attract the same kind of person.”
“Why do I keep ending up with people who can’t really meet me halfway?”
“Something always feels familiar… and not in a good way.”
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone in it.
And no, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or making “bad choices” on purpose. It usually means something a bit deeper is going on.
It’s rarely random
We like to think we choose relationships purely based on logic. But most of the time, we’re not picking people with a checklist.
We’re responding to what feels familiar.
And familiar doesn’t always mean healthy.
Sometimes what feels like chemistry or intensity is actually a pattern your nervous system already knows how to navigate. Even if it leaves you anxious, confused, or drained later on.
A lot of it starts earlier than we realise
The way we learned to connect with people growing up shapes a lot of what we expect in adult relationships.
For example:
- If love felt inconsistent, you might find yourself chasing emotionally unavailable partners
- If you had to work for attention, relationships might feel like something you have to “earn”
- If conflict wasn’t handled safely, you might avoid speaking up until things build up
None of this is conscious.
It’s just what your brain learned as “normal.”
So later on, when someone shows up who fits that pattern, it can feel weirdly familiar. Even if it’s not actually good for you.
Chemistry isn’t always a green flag
This is the part that trips people up.
Strong chemistry can feel exciting, intense, even addictive. But sometimes that intensity is actually anxiety in disguise.
That push-pull dynamic.
The overthinking.
The waiting for a message.
The emotional highs and lows.
It can start to feel like love, but often it’s more about uncertainty than connection.
Stable relationships can feel calmer. Sometimes even “less exciting” at first. And for people used to chaos, calm can feel unfamiliar, or even boring.
But boring isn’t the same as healthy being wrong.
You’re not choosing wrong — you’re repeating what you know
This is an important shift.
It’s not that you’re bad at relationships.
It’s that your system is drawn to what it recognises, even if part of you doesn’t actually want it anymore.
That’s why insight alone doesn’t always change things.
You can know someone isn’t right for you and still feel pulled in their direction.
So how do you change it?
There’s no quick fix, but there are a few starting points that help:
1. Slow things down
Patterns show up more clearly when things aren’t moving at full speed emotionally.
2. Pay attention to how you feel, not just how it looks
Do you feel calm and secure? Or anxious and unsure most of the time?
3. Notice what feels “familiar”
Ask yourself: does this feel good, or just known?
4. Work on your own sense of worth outside of relationships
Because when self-worth is shaky, we tend to accept less than we deserve without realising it.
This is where therapy can help
Not by telling you what to do or who to date.
But by helping you slow the pattern down enough to actually see it.
A lot of the time, people don’t need more information. They need space to understand why they keep getting pulled into the same dynamics, and support in changing how they respond to them.
That’s the work.
And it takes time, but it is changeable.
Final thought
If you’ve been stuck in the same relationship cycle, it’s easy to turn it into a story about failure.
But it’s usually not that.
It’s just a pattern that made sense once, but doesn’t fit anymore.
And noticing that is often the first real step out of it.
Contact me to book a initial call to see how we might work together
